


I like to look for rainbows

by FangirlftShipper



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, Connor Deserves Happiness, Fluff, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mormonism, Original Character(s), Religion, Self-Hatred, There is just a lot of mormonism going on ok, humor?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-02-07 00:41:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12829617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FangirlftShipper/pseuds/FangirlftShipper
Summary: Connor McKinley didn’t know of a time were his family wasn’t in the Mormon church, he grew up wanting nothing more than to be a good missionary and make his Heavenly Father proud. It isn’t as easy when he discovers that being himself is simply not acceptable, at least in the eyes of his family, church, or even his God.[Title is from an LDS song called When i am baptized]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I got to see TBOM a few days ago and of course i needed to write a fic. This is heavily based on my experiences of when i went to the church, but adapted so that it made sense for Connor. There is no Kevin until the third chapter but i hope you'll enjoy nonetheless.

_When I am baptized_ was Connor’s favorite hymn growing up.

It was the one his mother sang to him before going to sleep, it was the one his primary teachers liked best, and it was the one he _had_ to sing at his baptism.

It was common that right before a baptism the attendants would sing a hymn, but Connor, loving the whole performance feeling, really wanted to sing solo. His mother was okay with it after he explained Sister Johnson had been teaching them the song on the last couple classes, and that he already knew it perfectly. Even though is father was a little more reluctant to the concept, _“You have to be concentrated, Connor. Remember this is a very special day.”_ At the end, his parents ended up agreeing and his teachers seemed very excited by his idea.

One more week and he would be baptized, one more week and all of the sins he had committed in his short life would be washed away.

It seemed rather odd to him, that at eight years old he needed to be cleaned of all mishaps. But he was rather happy to see everyone so excited for him. His baptism was only day one of his journey to, someday, become a missionary.

Come next week he would turn eight, enter the Valiant 8, and be baptized. He was already buzzing with excitement.

Days were spent rehearsing in his room, going with his mother to buy some nice white clothes and praying to Heavenly Father that everything went alright and that he wouldn’t forget the lyrics to _When I am baptized_ , as if that was even possible after days and days of rehearsing.

“Heavenly Father, I am grateful for my family, for Sister Johnson and for Maggie.” Maggie had been Connor’s best friend in the church since they were both very little, even though Maggie was two years older than him and almost leaving for the Young Woman’s classes. “Please make everything go alright tomorrow. I’ve been studying the scriptures mom told me about and rehearsing every day, I know you won’t let anything go wrong. I promise I won’t let my problem mess it all up. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

The boy stood up and got into his neatly made bed, knowing that in a little bit his mother would come and say goodnight, as she always did. That night, though, both of his parents went into his room with proud smiles on their faces.

“Have you already said your prayers?” Asked his mother, sitting down on the edge of his bed and taking his soft hand. He nodded.

“We are so proud of you, Connor. And excited for you to keep growing and making Heavenly Father proud.”

Connor smiled widely at his father’s words and embraced his mother in a hug.

“I love you guys.”

“We love you too, Con.”

As soon as his parents were gone and his cheek touched the pillow, Connor closed his eyes and wished that he could easily drift into sleep, however, nerves and excitement were rushing through his body keeping him from fully relaxing.

And there was also that thing, still bothering him at the back of his head.

A kid at school had asked him if he was gay a few weeks ago, and at first he didn’t understand. He had heard that word on his father’s tongue at several family dinners, and not exactly in a very nice way. He knew that it was somehow wrong, yet he didn’t really understand it.

“No, why would you think that?”

The other kid just shrugged.

“I dunno, it’s just that you really like musicals and dancing and all that stuff, and my dad said that liking that stuff means you’re gay.”

Even if a girl from another class had told the other kid that what he was saying was very ignorant, Connor had still wondered. So he looked it up.

Surely he wasn’t, right? He was never interested in girls, being so young. But he was also never interested in boys either.

Still, something about that word felt very right in a way he couldn’t understand.

But that did not matter now, he was going to get baptized, he was going to make everyone proud, and he was going to be a good member of his church. He was sure he would be.

He drifted into sleep, with the calming tone of the hymn in his head.

* * *

 

_“I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain_

_And ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again._

_I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain._

_I want to be the best I can and live with God again._

_I know when I am baptized my wrongs are washed away, And I can be forgiven and improve myself each day._

_I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain._

_I want to be the best I can and live with God again.”_

Everyone watched him in awe, he appeared to be the model Mormon boy and yet there he was, doubting himself. Wanting nothing more than to get into the water and feel the calmness he had been promised.

The following minutes went fast for Connor, time only seemed to slow down when he was getting into the baptismal font. He felt the warm water soak most of his body as Maggie’s father, who was going to baptize him, took his right wrist. He was glad Mister Thompson was the one who was performing the baptism, he had at least known him all his life.

He locked eyes with his mother, nervous. And only payed attention to the last words spoken before he was fully sunk into the water.

“Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.”

And just like that he was breathing again, feeling exactly the same.

He still smiled, told himself that he was clean now and that he would choose right, that he would be a good son, brother, and a good member of the church. That one day he would become a missionary and help others with the word of Jesus Christ.

He should’ve known then, he was in for a very hard and complicated journey.


	2. Chapter 2

Connor was twelve years old when Steve Blade became his best friend.

He was always a very lonely kid in school, since Maggie and her siblings attended another institute. He had a couple of friends here and there but nothing really that serious until Steve came along.

He had come all the way from sunny California to Salt Lake City to live with his father, and Connor was extremely grateful for that.

Steve appeared to like him since the first day, asking him things about the school, the city, and sharing his peanut butter cups with him at lunch.

He was smitten, and suddenly Steve and him became as close as two friends could get.

Maggie was very busy this days with all of her Young woman stuff and with her new sister, so she didn’t really have that much time for Connor anyway.

Steve was charismatic, charming and loved music, which Connor really appreciated. He was quite good in all of his classes and he didn’t seem to mind hanging out with the lonely red-headed boy.

The only problem was that hanging around with Steve only made the name-calling worst.

It had only increased as the years passed by, kids got meaner, words got uglier and they slowly started to feel closer to the truth.

The thing was, Connor really liked Steve. And even if they were only friends, Connor would still get all fuzzy anytime Steve touched him or defended him, he would even find himself getting red when his friend complimented him. At first he thought it was normal, that maybe it was just because he had never had a friend like Steve but in reality, he never felt that way with any of his friends. The closest thing he had seen to what he felt like was when Maggie got a crush on Marcus, one of Connor’s classmates. Which of course, wasn’t very reassuring.

He would get more and more confused as time went by, doubting and wondering and waiting for an answer. Praying that nothing bad was happening to him.

He was thirteen the first time he stumbled upon Leviticus in the Old Testament.

Chapter 18 made him pretty uncomfortable, dealing with all of the “abominable” sexual sins he was supposed to avoid.

It wasn’t until verse 22 that he was actually interested.

_"You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination."_

Suddenly it wasn’t an unspoken topic or a few, whispered conversations his parents would have late at night when they thought nobody was listening. It was there, in one of the many books that he was supposed to study and follow without question.

What if it was true?

What if he liked boys?

What if his parents found out?

What if his leaders found out?

He started crying, not knowing exactly why. He wasn’t even sure if he was gay yet but the possibility made him want to disappear.

That night he prayed and prayed, asked Heavenly Father to make all of this confusing thoughts go away. He begged for weeks that this would just be a challenge that he would pass and everything would go back to normal. Then he prayed so that his feelings for Steve would go away. And he kept praying, for months and months to come.

He was fifteen when he first learned how to turn it off.

It was another Sunday morning, sitting next to his sister and listening to the testimonies. He normally would’ve been up there ready to give his, but lately he hadn’t been really in the mood to share his feelings with anyone, most certainly not the members of his church who were never supposed to know of his recent troubles with his sexuality.

Suddenly, though, his attention was caught by one of the testimonies. It was a newer member, a recently baptized older man.

He talked about the blessings that came to his life after joining the church, talked about how much closer he was with his family and, most importantly for Connor, talked about his son, who had struggled with “Gay thoughts” He said he hoped he could help him now that he knew of the gospel, and that he had been praying for him. He asked that everyone prayed for him, as if he was sick.

It left Connor uneasy, but it opened a door for discussion at one of his classes.

“So it is possible to stop being gay, like Brother Gabriel was saying?” Aaron, one of Maggie’s siblings asked.

“Well… it is most likely that his son is just confused. You know sometimes the lord tests us to see if we’re worthy. Sometimes it’s even Lucifer, trying to mess with your faith. As long as he prays and finds peace with Heavenly Father, Brother Gabriel’s son will learn how to turn those feelings off.”

Turn those feelings off.

That’s what he was going to do. Keep praying, keep working hard and keeping in mind that this was only temporary.

“So he can be forgiven for being gay, then?”

“As long has he doesn’t act upon his feelings, he can live a perfectly normal life in the church.”

He learned to ignore the slurs, and the blush on his ears anytime Steve touched him, he learned how to smile during the hard times when he felt like he couldn’t keep everything in anymore.

He learned how to be grateful with the lord, for everything he had given him.

“Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me a family, a home, a church that loves me and thank you for the challenges you put my way. I promise I will not give into negative feelings and I will keep my word to stay clear of any abomination. I ask that you take care of my family, of Maggie and of Steve. And please help Brother Gabriel’s son on his quest to find peace, clear his head of wrong feelings. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

He went to sleep as uneasy as ever, knowing he would wake up startled with another one of those horrible dreams, and missing the time when his mother would sing him to sleep.

_“I like to look for rainbows, whenever there is rain._   
_And ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again.”_

He wished that lullaby would calm him down, but these days, he could only really pretend.

He distanced himself from Steve, slowly. He was alone once again.

He was in the middle of a supposedly loving and accepting crowd and yet he was completely alone.

* * *

 

He thought he was good at pretending, since his family appeared to think he was as normal as ever.

Maggie was the one who confronted him first.

The garden of his church was always his favorite place, it was normally quiet, full of flowers and it had some trees that provided shade for when he wanted to read if he had to wait for his parents or siblings to come out from a meeting or class. He also had some very good memories of him and Maggie wandering around, playing and rolling on the grass.

She once had to give him her bright pink sweater to cover up a giant stain of dirt on his back, he still had it somewhere around the house, clean but never returned, forgotten.

“Hey.” Maggie sat next to him on the grass, smoothing her long skirt.

“Hey.” He said back, with a tiny smile.

It had been long since they’d been here together, after a while their parent’s decided it wasn’t appropriate for them to wander together away from everyone else, as odd as Connor found that when he was little.

Maggie was almost graduating from the Young Woman’s classes, and Connor still thought of her as that little blonde girl who followed him around everywhere. Who would always help him practice hymns and who would always clap at his dance routines, no matter what.

“I haven’t been here in a while, it seems smaller.”

Connor laughed, not very enthusiastically.

“It does, doesn’t it?”

After seconds of silence, Maggie sighed and turned to him.

“What’s wrong, Con?”

“What do you mean? I’m perfectly fine.”

“You shouldn’t lie, you know I can tell if you’re upset about something.”

Connor closed his scriptures and started playing anxiously with the grass.

“You’ve been odd lately, I can see you frowning during service and Aaron says you still participate but that you seem… sad, I guess. Is everything okay with your parents?”

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine.”

“Then why are you sad? You even stopped wearing those funny, colorful socks and ties you always wore.”

Maggie bumped his shoulder and he smiled, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. He missed her so much.

“Oh, Connor. Is it that bad?”

He was silently crying now, Maggie hugged him like she used to whenever he felt bad, whenever he fell or whenever his father was too strict to him. She was always there for him and he hadn’t realized how much he depended on her emotional support until she distanced herself.

“I’m fine, Maggs, I’m just… I’ve been struggling with something and I just… can’t get it to stop.”

She realized pretty quickly what he meant, her mother always warned her about him, about little things that made Connor different.

“I’m sure if you pray you’ll feel much better, maybe you can arrange a meeting with the bishop, even.”

Connor wanted to laugh, he had been praying for the past few years and yet there he was, still a mess who couldn’t keep his feelings at bay. He was so mad at himself, he felt ungrateful and dirty and like a liar.

“Thanks, Maggs. Maybe I will.”

He dried the stray tears that rolled down his cheeks and smiled at Maggie.

“You know, we should… we should go out for ice cream sometime, like we used to.”

Her smile turned sad.

“We should probably do that soon.” She looked at him in the eye, hesitant. “I’m moving, Con. My dad got promoted and they need him in Idaho.”

His disappointment was evident and yet he turned it off, like he had practiced.

He should be grateful and should be happy for her father, he should.

“I’m happy for him, tell him I say congratulations.” He wasn’t, but he was as polite as ever.

“I will.”

“Connor! Mom says it’s time to leave.” Emmy shouted from the other end of the garden.

They hugged again, and smiled sadly at each other.

“I know you will choose right, Connor.”

That was the last time they got a chance to really talk to each other alone.

When he opened the car door, his mother was smiling at him.

“Talking to Maggie, huh? I’m glad you guys are spending time together again. You know, when she comes back from college you’ll be done with your mission-“

“She’s moving, mom. We stopped hanging out a long time ago.”

“Oh, she is?” Mrs. McKinley drove off the street, and mumbled to herself.

“I always thought you guys would end up marrying.”

He heard.

If only he could fall in love with someone like Maggie. If only things were that easy.

* * *

 

Maggie was the end of an era, he realized the last Sunday she was at that church, the one where they grew up.

It was hot outside, terribly windy and making her long red skirt flow as if the moment needed more drama.

He and Aaron shook hands, he kissed Lucy’s cheek (and wished he could’ve get to know the little girl better) and finally, looked at the young woman who didn’t look like one in his eyes.

“Maggs.”

He could hear his and Maggie’s parent’s saying goodbyes in the background as he hugged her.

“I’m gonna miss you, Con.”

“I’ll miss you too.” He was lying, without knowing it.

He was going to miss the old Maggie, his best friend, the one that always listened to his favorite musicals and who didn’t care if he was always dancing around and who unconditionally was there for him when they were both kids who thought they were going to be friends forever. He wouldn’t miss the Young Woman Maggie, the Maggie who was always quiet and always perfect. The Maggie that was going to go to BYU and marry a missionary, The Maggie that looked at him as if he was odd, The Maggie that pitied him. And he most certainly wouldn’t miss the Maggie that said goodbye to him on the worst way possible.

“There are plenty of gay Mormons, Con. You don’t have to pretend, only… follow the rules. You can still marry a girl and have a-“

“I am not gay, Maggie. I’m having homosexual thoughts, that doesn’t mean it’s who I am.”

He wanted to scream, because of many reasons. Because he wanted to believe Maggie and pretend for a moment that he could tell the truth and still have a family and marry a girl but he couldn’t, he wanted to scream because he was exhausted of explaining this thing to himself and the last thing he wanted was to explain this to someone else. He wanted to scream because Maggie was leaving and he shouldn’t be this sad because they weren’t even close anymore. He wanted to scream because he was mad, at himself and at Maggie.

But he turns it off, and he smiles as he breaks apart from her.

“Con…”

“I’m perfectly fine, Maggie. Have a safe trip.”

Maggie’s parent’s smile at him from the car and they leave, his mom starts rambling but he can’t listen.

Everyone thinks he’s taking it extremely well, he is smiling and chasing Emmy around.

That’s when he knows he has properly learned how to turn every negative emotion down. And even if he is still mad at his ex-best friend, he prays for her that night. That she can adapt quickly to the new city and that she is happy and healthy.

Because that is what he is supposed to do, and at this point, Connor will do everything he can to do just that. What he is supposed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first two chapters are just my sad experiences with church and mormon friends lol but in the next chapter you get to see a more happy Connor, and a little bit of Kevin.
> 
> Thank you for reading. <3


	3. Chapter 3

When Connor is nineteen, he thinks he’s happy.

He has a church that loves him, he has a family and a home, he has his Heavenly Father and now he stares at the letter he’s been waiting for all his life.

“Dear Elder McKinley” He says out loud, with a big bright toothy smile. “You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.”

There is a lot of people on his living room, friends, relatives and basically his entire church is cramped around him, some taking video, some squealing with excitement (his mother) and all of them smiling.

He feels lightheaded, he’s been working hard and dreaming of this day when he would officially be called to service.

“You are assigned to labor in the…”

Everyone goes silent, his sisters are both so wide-eyed that he is worried about their eye sight in the future. Even his father looks excited, which isn’t a very common occurrence.

“Just say it!” He hears, it’s probably one of his cousins.

He clears his throat and finally reads;

“East Africa Uganda mission.”

There was a moment of hesitation before everyone started clapping, his mother, though a little bit confused about the exact location of his mission, enveloped him in a hug and told him she was proud of him. Her first kid to ever go to a mission, no pressure.

After what seemed hours of hugs, congratulations, and a very nice dinner, Connor was exhausted. He sat down, took his precious letter and read it again, now that he was all alone and could actually calm down a little.

He was to be expected at the Provo Missionary training center, he knew all about that.   
The most important part was what came after.

_“You have been recommended as one worthy to represent the Lord as a minister of the restored gospel. You will be an official representative of the Church. As such, you will be expected to maintain the highest standards of conduct and appearance by keeping the commandments, living mission rules, and following the counsel of your mission president. You will also be expected to devote all your time and attention to serving the Lord, leaving behind all other personal affairs. As you do these things, the Lord will bless you and you will become an effective advocate and messenger of the truth.”_

He was proud of himself. For the first time in years.

He whispered a quiet “Thank you” and put his letter back on the envelope.

With a smile set on his face, he ran upstairs.

“Emmy, Gracie! Are we gonna watch those musicals before I leave or what?”

The warmth on his chest grew as his little sisters excitedly ran onto his room. He made it. Now he only needed to keep up the good work.

He was going to prove everyone that he was worthy, and most importantly, he was going to prove himself that years of sacrifice were absolutely worth it.

* * *

 

He, of course, excelled at the training center.

Not only was he charismatic and friendly, he was prepared and was excellent at speaking about the book of Mormon. How could he not be? It was the center of his whole life.

He got paired with a very nice boy who was just as excited as him to serve his mission, Elder Thomas. The guy just wouldn’t shut up about… anything, he was really talkative. It didn’t really bother him since he was warm and friendly but after hours of listening to him ramble about Steve Jobs he made a mental note of bringing headphones for the plane.

And now there he was, perfect hair, impeccable shirt and ironed pants. His mother put on his little plaque that read “Elder McKinley” and just like that he was ready to say his goodbyes.

The hardest were his sisters. He hugged them tightly for a long time, telling them how much he loved them and reminding them to “Choose the right” and listen to their teachers.

“We know, we know.” The youngest said, giving him a peck on the cheek.

And then there was Emmy, she quietly hugged him and kissed his other cheek. “Go and make us proud, Elder McKinley.” She said, her eyes shining with what were most likely tears.

“Oh, Em you’re going to make me cry.”

She always knew the right thing to say.

“Don’t be a big baby, Connor. You are the man of the family now.”

And she also knew how to ruin it.

He laughed, finally letting go of her and taking one big breath. “Write to me, alright? And don’t even think about using my tap shoes when I’m not here.”

His sister’s laughs stayed in his mind for most of the plane ride.

* * *

 

Uganda was… quite a place. He certainly hadn’t imagined his mission to be in a place like this, where he had to worry about mortal insects, diseases and apparently an armed warlord?

Still, if this was the place where God needed him then he would do his best, without question.

Mafala seemed nice enough, he had shown him and Elder Thomas around the village and reminded them to keep their windows locked at all times. He tried to give him a Book of Mormon but he just laughed and walked away, so… maybe another time.

Connor quickly became fond of the other Elders on district 9, they seemed like a nice, hardworking bunch. They had dinner together, prayed and went to sleep promptly at ten.

The first night was probably the hardest for him, it was cold, his bed was tiny and Elder Thomas was so close that he could hear his light breathing. He drifted onto sleep after an hour of tossing around and trying to calm his nerves.

* * *

 

The first few days were uneventful, he and Pop-tarts (as all the elders now liked to call him since he wouldn’t shut up about them) had gone out to knock on some doors and only managed to give out two books of Mormon (The third one had been thrown at Elder Thomas and almost hit his head, so they didn’t count that one.)

Although preoccupied, Connor wasn’t giving up. Au contraire, he was only planning more and more activities to try and get the Ugandans more interested in the gospel.

He received a call from the mission president at the end of his first week, notifying him that he was given the opportunity to be district leader.

To say that he was excited was an understatement, after getting off the phone with the president he had performed what he liked to call a “Celebratory dance” which was mostly jumps, happy squeals, and confused stares from the other elders.

That night they got fancy with dinner (Grilled cheeses and tomato soup was fancy for a bunch of twentysomethings, alright?) and for the first time in a long time, Connor had a genuinely good time.

}That night when he went to sleep he prayed for the other elders, and he prayed that their missions were successful. He thanked the lord for everything he had given him, and prayed for a good-night sleep. Turns out, none of the things he prayed for actually happened.

He was a great leader, that was for sure. He was understanding, friendly and organized, and just by looking at his mission diary you could tell how much he cared about his district.

**_To do’s._ **   
**_-Inspire the elders to have a spirit of love, unity, obedience, and hard work._ **   
**_-Encourage missionaries to live a high standard of obedience, especially by living the first principles of the gospel._ **   
**_-Help Elder Church with his testimony._ **   
**_-Ask if we can get more boxes of pop-tarts for Elder Thomas._ **   
**_-Help missionaries become powerful and fruitful in each phase of missionary work, including finding and teaching investigators and working with members._ **   
**_-Prepare for the new recruits coming in a few months._ **   
**_Don’t forget to give a good example and make sure the elders are comfortable!!!_ **

  
He sighed as he closed the little notebook filled with his experiences, to do’s and endless reminders. They hadn’t had much progress trying to proselytize, but at least people had stopped being violent towards them and started being a little more welcoming (While still being cautious, of course.)

He missed dancing, he missed his sisters and he missed the privacy of his room, but he longed to make a difference here and he was determined to do just that.

That night, as he listened to the soft snores of his companion, he read Leviticus 18 again, as if he hadn’t memorized it already.

> _“You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.”_

He turned off his reading light, and his doubts. That didn’t keep him from the nightmares, but it still kept him out of trouble.

* * *

 

Kevin Price arrived three months into his mission.

“The new recruits are here!”

He said excitedly, running to the door to introduce himself. He had been planning this arrival, the correct time to send Mafala to receive them, the perfect dinner, and even a little inspirational scripture marked on the two Books of Mormon placed neatly on their beds.

He had been told about the great Kevin Price. He sounded promising, after all the comments about him being a perfect role model and overall a respectable member of the Church.

What he hadn’t been told was that he was devastatingly handsome. Not that it mattered, now that he had his… problem under control. Right?

After introducing all the elders to their newest roommates, they sat and discussed their progress which… wasn’t that impressive. Actually, not impressive at all, depressive was a better fitting word.

He was trying to be optimistic, and he jumped at the opportunity to help their newest when he saw the hesitation in Elder Price’s eyes.

He proudly explained his precious technic of “Turning it off” and was happy to hear the stories of his fellow missionaries, and after listening to his own companion share something as personal, it seemed only right to share his own.

It was hard, he had never told anyone (besides Maggie, who pretty much guessed it) and it was certainly a risky thing to do. But, he trusted them and trusted that this experience would only bring them closer. Maybe he could even help out someone else that might have been struggling with the same thing.

Talking about Steve tugged at his heart, but he kept going. He talked about his recurrent fantasies and talked about feeling alone. He talked about praying, and dedication and talked about keeping those confusing feelings as far away as he could. By the end of his story, the elders were all very supportive and happy for him for finally finding peace with himself and with the lord.

Elder Price, though, didn’t seem as keen on the idea of bottling things up.

“Well, Elder McKinley, I think is okay that you’re having gay thoughts just so long as you never act upon them.”

So he was one of those liberal Mormons, then? The ones who thought that gay people could live a normal (and celibate) life in the gospel? No, it wasn’t that easy.   
Connor didn’t have good experiences with people who gave him hope on what he considered to be a lost cause. 

After explaining his methods (again) to Elder Price, they all had dinner together and went to bed early, knowing Elder Price and Elder Cunningham must have been exhausted.

As he led them to his room, he couldn’t help but hope that Elder Price turned things around here into a more positive note, and that was the first night that he prayed for him.

He quickly discovered Kevin was an overachiever that next morning when he woke up as early as ever with the intent of cleaning and washing yesterday’s dishes before everyone else got up and found the brunette already up and about in the kitchen.

“Good morning, Elder Price! An early bird, I see.”

He grinned and gosh, that was quite a sight. (He was allowed to appreciate smiles, right? Yes, surely that was allowed.)

“I just wanted to clean up a little bit before studying.” He said while drying his hands on a purple cloth.

“I appreciate that, Elder. Are you hungry?”

And so that day they got breakfast together, while everyone else got ready.

He was quite the guy, apparently he had arranged his thoughts since last night and seemed fixated with the thought of spreading the word of The Latter Day Saints.

“I’m sure you’ll have a great first day, Elders. Good luck!”

Elder Cunningham hugged him (He was apparently a very touchy-feely guy) and Elder Price offered him another breathtaking smile. Connor wondered if he had missed a class on the MTC about dazzling grins.

* * *

 

Elder Price’s optimism didn’t last.

He was still the most helpful of the Elders, that was for sure. He just wasn’t very excited to be in Uganda, apparently.

He realized this quickly after spending a lot of time with him, during study time or any of the meals, and during their lonely mornings where they would clean and talk about the most random things that came into their minds.

Apart from not shutting up about how much he wanted to escape to Orlando, he seemed discouraged any time he got out to proselytize and came back angry, dirty and (once) without a tie. He didn’t confront him about it until the afternoon when the brunette angrily entered the house and proceeded to slam his door in Arnold’s face (Yes, he had discovered Cunningham’s first name when the glasses-wearing Elder had reprimanded himself after knocking down a picture of Joseph Smith accidentally.)

He ignored the worried looks on the other Elder’s faces and opened the door before stepping in and closing it again to have some privacy.

“You should probably go apologize to Elder Cunningham for that.”

Kevin, who was sitting on his bed and rubbing his temples, sighed.

“I know, and I apologize for my behavior in general this past few days, I haven’t been… feeling like myself lately.”

His heart jumped. This was the time he had been waiting for, he could finally help an Elder! And not just some elder, no, he was going to help Elder Price.

“What do you think the problem is, Elder?”

He chuckled drily.

“Everything. We aren’t making progress, there’s no baptisms, no one has actually read the books we’ve handed and no one is even remotely interested in follow-up visits. This is nothing like what they told us in the MTC and at this point I’m not even sure God is listening to my prayers.”

If Kevin was doubting Heavenly Father, this might be bigger of a problem than Connor initially thought.

“Look, Elder Price-“

“Kevin.”

Connor felt something in his stomach turn.

“My name is Kevin.”

It fit him, it sounded very, very nice.

Although they had recommended that they shouldn’t use their first names, it wasn’t really prohibited, and if that helped Kevin, Connor was going to try it out.

“Kevin.” It had been long since he enjoyed the sound of a name so much. He hadn’t since fifth grade. “We all have moments where we doubt ourselves or even the gospel, its normal. But you have to realize that Heavenly Father always has a reason for what he does, even if it doesn’t make sense in the beginning. I’ve seen your dedication and I believe that you can truly make this work. I believe you’re exactly what we needed here in district 9.”

Kevin stared at him, with a tiny smile on his face. Connor immediately broke eye contact.

And he continued with the greatest words of advice he could think of;

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” Before he could open his mouth again, Kevin finished his sentence.

“James 1:5”

Connor smiled, impressed.

“It’s my grandma’s favorite scripture.” Said Kevin bashfully.

“She has great taste.” He squeezed Kevin’s shoulder attempting to make him feel better, and only managed to make that tingly feeling on his neck grow.

“Pray, you’ll see everything will get better if you keep trying.”

“Thanks, Connor. You are a very good friend.” He never enjoyed hearing his name in someone else’s mouth this much. He shouldn’t.

Kevin left the room, and with him, Connor’s progress on turning his feelings off.

He should’ve known that spending time with him wasn’t a good idea, he should’ve known there was going to be temptations on his mission, he should’ve known that Kevin was just extremely charming and he should’ve known that would cause only troubles for him.

He was just realizing how lovely he found him. That was all. Right? Surely that was all.

But it wasn’t, because he also found Arnold and Poptarts lovely, but he didn’t feel those tingles nor that flip in his stomach.

He was attracted to Kevin Price just like he had been attracted to Steve Blade and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he had spent the past eleven years of his life working hard on being the clean-cut Mormon boy he was supposed to be just to ruin all that hard work for a Missionary whom he was never to see again in two years and who would feel repulsed at the idea of him founding him remotely attractive. It truly wasn´t fair.

That night he waited until Elder Thomas was fast asleep to follow his own advice and pray.

He got on his knees, and buried his head on the bed so his crying didn’t wake up his companion, and he prayed and prayed and prayed. Until his knees stung and he couldn’t bear the cold anymore.

“I’m so sorry, Heavenly Father.” He whispered into his pillow, because at this point, saying it in his head wasn’t enough.“I tried so hard. I promise, i tried so hard to be good."

It was a good thing that Elder Thomas was a heavy sleeper, because that night Connor cried out all the feelings he had repressed for years.

He fell asleep under the judging eyes of the big picture of Jesus Christ on his wall. The recurrent dream was especially bad that night, it featured Kevin, doing things he was ashamed to admit and it featured Connor burning in hell, which was never pleasant.

The next morning when he woke up, he told himself he deserved it and he didn’t leave his bed until 6:30, when he knew all of the other missionaries would be out and about.

He read his scriptures alone, spoke only with his companion, and got back to work. If he couldn’t ignore his feelings, he was going to ignore Kevin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the happiness didn't last. At least we have Kevin now (Yay)
> 
> Some of the To do's on Connor's list are from the LDS Missionary handbook, if you were wondering. 
> 
> I'm surprised i remember this much about the church! although it's been a little difficult to write about religion and about my own depressing experiences with it, i'm surprised that i at least still know my way around the church.
> 
> Shoutout to my grandma for telling me her favorite scriptures (I didn't tell her it was for a gay fanfic, i'm pretty sure she thinks i want to go back to church.) Sorry, Grandma.
> 
> Thank you guys for reading <3 i promise there will be a happy ending, at least. It's what Connor deserves.


	4. Chapter 4

Turns out he was really good at avoiding Kevin.

If he wasn’t out proselytizing with Elder Thomas or helping out with something in the village, he was locked in his office writing a report for the Mission president or doing his daily work out, which pretty much consisted on Yoga and mostly, tap dancing without the proper shoes (Which was frustrating, but at least it brought him some peace amongst chaos.)

By the end of the week he had almost no free time to think about Elder Price.

That was until Kevin got sick.

“I’m telling you, it’s a bad case of the flu. He hasn’t moved from the bed since we woke up.”

It was currently lunch time and Kevin hadn’t come out of the room yet, normally, Connor would immediately see what was going on but… given the circumstances, he had been avoiding it. Actually, everyone was avoiding it.

Arnold seemed to be suddenly very aware of his healthy form and decided to go and talk to Nabulungi to see if he could get a follow up session with her to discuss the gospel. And although rule 72 clearly stated he shouldn’t get away from his companion, Connor decided against making Kevin, who was in a very bad state, go out into the extreme weather of Uganda when he himself was overheated.

At some point everyone left to do their own things and Connor had to take matters into his hands.

He lightly knocked on the door, getting a slight and raspy “Why me” in return.

He entered the dark room and knelt beside the bed to see how bad the situation was. Kevin looked terrible, there was no other way of putting it. His nose was red, his eyes were swollen and he looked as pale as his temple garments (And no, Connor definitely didn’t notice his abs in that tight under shirt.)

“Gosh, Elder Price. You look awful.”

“Gee, you are quite a charmer.” Kevin rolled so he was staring at the ceiling and not curled into a ball. “I feel like death.”

“I love your enthusiasm, now, let me check your temperature.”

Connor carefully placed the thermometer into Kevin’s mouth and pressed the back of his hand into the other man’s forehead. He was burning. After seeing the high number on the thermometer, Connor immediately tugged the blankets away from Kevin’s body.

“Hey!” Before he could protest any further, he was coughing his heart out.

“Okay, you need to get a cold shower, at least let’s get your temperature to a more normal level.”

Connor half-carried the Elder out of the room and left him to shower while he cooked.

By the time Kevin was out of the shower and onto clean clothes, there was tea and breakfast on the table.

“Mafala said this tea would help and we didn’t really have any soup or anything so I just made some eggs.”

Connor reached and touched Kevin’s forehead again.

“That seems better, how do you feel?”

“A little less like death.” Connor smiled.

“I’m glad.”

* * *

 

After a couple cups of tea and a lot of cough syrup, Kevin was still drowsy and bored, very bored.

“I miss Disney movies.”

“I would put one on for you but it’s against the rules.”

“I don’t see why Lilo and Stitch could be out of the rules.”

“It’s distracting. We’re only supposed to see and listen to things related to the church.”

Kevin sighed, laying down on the couch and complaining about entertainment.

“I just can’t help but miss ‘em, you know? Is there something you miss from home, Elder?”

Privacy, his sisters, his tap shoes, his iPod, his nice, big comfortable bed.

“I guess I miss listening to musicals.”

Kevin laughed, well, coughed.

“Of course you do.” He said, as if he had been expecting that answer.

“Why do you say it like that?”

Connor turned to him as best as he could, since Kevin had his legs mostly over him.

“You seem like one of those leading man in musicals, like you’d be in… Newsies or something like that.”

“Well, I was Crutchie during a school production.”

Kevin just smiled again, closing his eyes and falling for the effect of the cough syrup.

“I bet you have a beautiful singing voice.”

At this point, Connor thought Heavenly father was playing some sort of sick joke to him. _I bet you have a beautiful singing voice?_ Come on!

Still, he kept his composure and helped Kevin off the couch.

“Come on, Price. Time for bed.”

He complained but made his way into the room, falling onto the neatly-made bed, Connor had even washed the sheets while Kevin was having breakfast.

“Sleep, you’ll feel much better in the morning.” Kevin made a sound of agreement and Connor went to close the door.

But of course, things just wouldn’t be so easy.

“Connor?” The ginger turned around, looking at his drowsy friend.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for taking care of me.” Connor smiled.

“You’re welcome, Elder Price.”

Before he closed the door, he managed to hear the quiet complaint.

“I just wish you stopped avoiding me.”

He tried to ignore the knot on his throat and got back to work.

* * *

 

The next morning when he woke up, Kevin was already gone with Arnold, only leaving a note behind.

_“Connor- Thank you for taking care of me and listen to me ramble about Disney movies,_  
I really appreciate it.   
-Kevin P.”

The note was attached to a single package of peanut butter cups. The ones Kevin’s parents sent him once a month, and the same ones he had once mentioned were his favorites.

He saved the note and the candy that only left him with a sense of guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, a fic were Kevin is the victim? It's a miracle, make a wish. (I'm kidding, Kevin Price will be your beloved asshole in a few more chapters, hopefully)
> 
> Also, this randomly turned into a sick!fic because 1. i'm sick and 2. I love fluffy McPriceley


	5. Chapter 5

Everything fell apart rather quickly.

It started with a phone call from the zone leader, the mission president had requested a written progress report and they had absolutely no progress whatsoever, at least not something that could go on a progress report.

Sure, the Ugandans were a little bit more open to them and had actually started listening, but the elders still didn’t manage to have a session or discussion with anybody since the villagers were always either busy hiding from the general or busy trying to survive from another deathly threat that always found its way to them.

No baptisms, not one.

Heavenly Father, not even one year as district leader and he was already failing! The thought of the mission president being disappointed made him dizzy, he was so sure they were going to make some change and there they were, still with two boxes full of Books of Mormon and a broken pride.

Shortly after that, Kevin Price lost his composure.

He slammed the door open, frightened and covered with blood, Arnold following him with an anxious expression.

“Elder Price! What happened to you?” Elder Church asked, seemingly worried about the state of the Elder.

Arnold told them they had seen the general shoot someone, and Kevin was obviously not taking that well. They were all a little bit scandalized but, apart from Elder Neely who was already on his knees praying, they’d all become almost used to the violent nature of Uganda. Kevin, on the other side, just seemed to have broken completely.

He started rambling about how he couldn’t accomplish anything in Uganda, and Connor just couldn’t stand that. Kevin Price was their only chance of getting out of the hole they were in, and he was not going to let go of him.

He told him about the mission president in hope that Kevin would realize how critical the situation was but that only made everything worse.

Now he even spoke about being relocated and Connor was just on the verge of a nervous breakdown, what was he going to do? How was he supposed to baptize all of those villagers himself? At this point no one seemed to care anymore.

Regardless of his warnings, Kevin and Arnold stormed out the door, and with them Connor’s hopes of making it all better.

There was silence, for about thirty seconds. Every Elder ended up looking at him, waiting for some sort of pep-talk or maybe words of encouragement. But he said nothing.

“So… Elder McKinley.” Elder Zelder asked finally. “What are we going to do now?”

Connor just kept staring at the ground, mad and discouraged and hopeless. He had been turning off negative emotions for so long that he felt like his brain had betrayed him.

They should probably go and get Kevin, it wasn’t safe for him to be alone at night time, especially with the events that had left him as distressed as he was. They should probably just tell the truth, they should probably work even harder than they were. But at the moment his headache was just too painful and everything was too much, he couldn’t handle it.

“I don’t know, Elder.” He sighed. “I don’t know.”

And then he locked himself in his office.

* * *

 

The next time he saw Kevin he practically ignored him.

Maybe he was mad at him or maybe he was just excited about Arnold’s progress with the Ugandans, he wasn’t sure.

He should’ve been wary of Arnold, should’ve asked how he had managed to get them all interested in the church or how he had managed to get almost every single one of them ready for a baptism. But he saw his opportunity, saw his way out of the hole he was stuck on and he took it.

Baptizing someone felt oddly good, it felt like succeeding and it felt empowering. He, Connor McKinley from Salt Lake City, was baptizing someone. He was giving them the opportunity to start over again.

“Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.”

He remembered being a kid and hearing those words, he remembered being sunk into warm water and then feeling nothing. He remembered the song he had memorized and practiced for weeks.

Mafala hugged him and whispered a quiet “Thank you” in his ear, he wondered if he was able to feel that promised calmness that he had never got to feel.

That night when he wrote the mission president the report, he thought that maybe this was all over. That now they would start helping out more instead of focusing on proselytizing.

They celebrated that night by listening to hymns and singing along, they told stories of their homes and they had dinner.  
All of them except for Kevin that quietly entered the mission hut looking ashamed and hurt, before anyone could ask what was wrong he locked himself in his room.

That night he slept, not peacefully, but he slept. Baby steps.

* * *

 

He looked at the clock on the wall of his office, ticking.

He had been staring for almost twenty minutes, fidgeting with his black gel pen and being afraid of actually writing the events that had occurred on his diary.

It would probably make him feel better, it always did. But everything just felt so surrealistic… he was waiting for the moment when he would start recognizing elements of his nightmares and then wake up. But it wasn’t a dream, it was just the present.

He still felt the harsh words of the mission president.

“You are all as far away as being a latter day saint as it gets!”

He had completely dedicated his life to the church for what? For district nine to be shut down? For his parents to be ashamed of him?

Going back home seemed like the worst idea, he could already picture it: His mother crying, his father ignoring him completely, his sisters being disappointed. He could already picture himself sitting at church on Sunday and failing to ignore the looks people would give him.

Which was the only reason for him to follow Kevin’s advice and stay.

It was crazy, wasn’t it? Staying in Uganda. Following Arnold Cunningham’s words of wisdom.

He closed his diary and threw away the half-written letter he was redacting for his parents, at this point they most likely knew about the whole fiasco.

What was he supposed to say anyway? _“Hey Mom and Dad, sorry about the whole ‘Joseph Smith having intercourse with frogs’ thing, I really wasn’t aware of it. But hey! I’m staying here to proselytize the word of a nineteen-year-old who has a tendency for lying, also I’m super into one of the elders but don’t worry! I won’t act on my feelings.”_

He laughed, everything was just really awful.

That night when he went to sleep (Promptly at ten, because some thing’s he still couldn’t change) Elder Thomas smiled at him and told him he was glad that he had decided to stay.

“You’re my best friend around here.” He said in that bashful voice of his, looking at him from the other bed. “And I’m glad you’re still my companion.”

Connor smiled back.

“I’m glad you’re still my companion too, Christopher.” Maybe everything was a mess, and he felt lost. But there were little things that were completely worth the stay in Uganda.

Things like not having to worry about his parents or church leaders, things like Elder Thomas and his obsession with pop-tarts, Things like Elder Church’s bad jokes or Neely’s delicious breakfasts. Things like Kevin Price and Arnold Cunningham.

It would take time and a hell lot of work but they would make a home in Uganda, someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand everything goes to shit, as expected.
> 
> Little reminder that this is an AU and i'm not following canon that closely.
> 
> McPriceley is coming! Comments are appreciated <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Summary: Connor is really gay help him. Also, Kevin has a secret and a bigass ego but what's new?
> 
> Warning for cursing, drinking coffee and a hell lot of fluffyness.

There was a girl in the mission hut.

It was of course, Nabulungi, singing a beautiful song Connor had never heard of before under her breath and making some kind of dessert.   
He was a little bit scandalized because it was strictly prohibited for them to be alone with a woman, but that was back when they were still common missionaries, and now they weren’t. It was also a very stupid rule, but he realized soon after they got shut down that most of the said rules were, in fact, idiotic.

“Oh, Hey Elder McKinley!” She said with that charismatic tone of hers, smiling at him. “I see you’re still wearing that uniform.”

“Uniform?” He looked down at himself, he was wearing his white shirt and favorite blue tie. A lot of the elders had already ditched the approved wardrobe and started wearing cotton shirts and hoodies.

“Yeah, I guess it is kind of a uniform. What are you doing here, Naba?”

“She’s making me food cause’ she said I suck at cooking!” Yelled Arnold, who was playing with some kind of Nintendo device on his hands, Connor had no idea where he had gotten it.

“He tried making macaroni and cheese, it was a mess. Plus my dad is a great cook so I know his secrets.”

She served the dessert in a plate and handed it to Arnold, both of them sharing the crepe-like chocolaty thing Nabulungi had just prepared. Connor rubbed at his neck, a little uncomfortable at the sight of the… couple? Were they a couple?

Yes, they were definitely a couple and now they were making out and _oh gosh I need to get out of here._

He got startled by a hand on his shoulder and didn’t relax at the sight of Kevin Price.

“Let’s just leave them be, shall we?” He whispered, tugging softly at his arm and getting out of the hut.

“Since when are Arnold and Nabulungi an item?” He asked Kevin when the door closed behind them. “He isn’t even supposed to date…”

“Well, The Book of Arnold doesn’t say anything about not dating so I guess that’s alright now.”

Connor sighed, The Book of Arnold didn’t limit as much things as The Book of Mormon used to, he wasn’t used to this much freedom and he didn’t know how to start doing something with it.

“You are wearing the shirt and tie too, Elder Price.” Connor said after a minute of silence, looking up and down at his friend. “I’m glad I’m not the only one.”

“Yeah, well… I guess I’m used to it. Plus I look handsome in it.” Connor blushed.

“Yeah, you d-do.”

Well great, he couldn’t even control his mouth now.

“I think you should call me Kevin, you know, none of us are in an ‘Elder basis’ now.”

“I know. I’m just… I just got stuck on the rules and I don’t know what to do without them now.”

Kevin seemed to think for a moment.

“I can help you with that.”

Before he could say anything Kevin got close and everything in him shut down.

_He’s going to kiss me he’s going to kiss me he’s going to kiss me  
_ _He’s going to kiss me and I want him to._

Before he could close his eyes, Kevin tugged his tie away and took his plaque.

“What-“

“It is time that you and I have a break!” Kevin said cheerfully, now completely dedicated to his new subject: Helping Connor loosen up.

Kevin took away his own tie and plaque and pocketed them, smiling at the redhead and unbuttoning the first buttons of his ironed shirt.

“I uh, Kev-Kevin I don’t know if this is a good-“

“Come on! We don’t have anything better to do, loosen up.” And then Kevin ran a hand through his hair, messing it up in the process.

“Oh geez, it’s sticky.”

Connor was a mess. His ears felt hot, his lungs ran out of air and he was a sputtering mess of a person.

_Jesus, what is happening to me?_ _Turn it off turn it off turn it off._

“Come on, let’s go for a walk.”

Kevin took him by the arm and Connor just couldn’t resist.

* * *

 

Half an hour later they arrived at what the Elders liked to call a park. (Although there was absolutely no grass and the playground was built by hand.) They had been recently building it for the children around the village and had ended up pretty nice.   
There were a couple of rope swings, a sandbox and even a restored slide. Elder Thomas and Elder Church were both helping Mafala build a tree house of some sorts and there was children already playing around in the sandbox.

“Wow, I didn’t know they had made this much progress.” Connor said, a little bit in awe at the work they had done. “I would’ve helped more if I knew they were this serious about the project.”

“Its fine, Connor. It was mostly Pop-tarts and James, they seem to make a good team.”

Connor felt a little bit ashamed that this was the first time he learned of Church’s first name, but he didn’t say anything.

“Come on, try one of the swings.” Kevin gestured for him to get on one of the swings made of tires and rope.

“Oh I couldn’t-“

“Come on! It’ll be fun.”

After a little bit of banter Connor finally gave into peer pressure and got on the swing.

“Oh well, it’s quite nice to- JESUS CHRIST.”

“I’ll push you!” Said Kevin, who was already pushing him with an alarming force.

“KEVIN, KEVIN STOP IT’S GOING TO BREAK!” He screamed, hugging the tire as best as he could.

“Let loose, McKinley! It’s fun!” Pop-tarts screamed from the other end of the ‘park’, hands on his hips and sweat running down his temple from working all day out in the sun.

He recognized the giggles of his fellow Elders and the intense laughter coming from Mafala.

“Oh my god he is so terrified!” The tall man said in between his fits of laughter, apparently Connor’s panicked expression was really funny since even the children were laughing at him now.

Kevin finally stopped, giggling and sweating, his arms aching a little bit from pushing Connor.

“You should’ve seen your face! Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you so much.” Even in his apologies Kevin couldn’t stop his smile.

But Connor wasn’t mad, in fact he was laughing too. It was certainly terrifying but it was fun. The last time he remembered being pushed in a swing set was at age 10 with Maggie and his brother, and it hadn’t been this much fun.

He soon realized he was sweating too, it was hard not to; Uganda was unbearably hot in the day and too damn cold at night in this season of the year. He thought it was good that he was wearing his temple garments since his white shirt was just too soaked in sweat and the others would probably be able to see his chest but then he looked at Kevin and realized that he was in fact, not wearing the undershirt.

Jesus Christ, this was a bizarre day. It was not fun being a sexually repressed young adult, not fun at all.

* * *

 

They returned to the hut to find Arnold and Naba seeing an old VHS that James had brought in contraband, and decided not to bother them.

There was lemonade on the fridge, courtesy of Nabulungi, and some pop-tarts, which was a valid snack, right?

They went separate ways so Kevin could change clothes and Connor was about to start writing in his journal when Kevin went into his office, clad in a plaid pajama and holding a bowl of popcorn.

“I figured the rest of the elders aren’t here yet, so our fun day doesn’t have to end yet. Plus, Arnold and Nabulungi are being disgustingly couple-like.”

“Oh.” Connor closed his mission journal. “S-sure. What would you like to do?”

Kevin looked around the small office, there wasn’t much to do.

“Let’s see…” He looked around boxes that were mostly full of Books of Mormon and a couple full of recently made Books of Arnold, some LDS pamphlets, some old files…

“Eureka!” Kevin pulled out an old CD player, it was dusty but surely it would work.

“We don’t really have that much music to choose from, mostly hymns…”

“Wait a second, I’ll be back.” Connor sighed as Kevin ran to get something from his room, he was having fun, he really was. He just felt sort of… guilty about it. For many reasons.

Shouldn’t he be doing something productive? Like convincing the mission president to give them another chance or apologizing to his parents? Or at least studying the Book of Arnold, if he was going to stay here preaching it.

And then there was Kevin. He was great, he was charismatic and funny and really handsome, but Connor liked him, way too much. He still had a hard time accepting that.

In the past few weeks he had at least accepted that he was in fact, gay. He didn’t like women and he would never like them, he couldn’t be cured. That he knew. But it still felt wrong, he still heard the voice of his patriarch, the voice of his bishop. He still heard the worries of his mother and those comments his sister’s used to make when they were little and didn’t really understand just how close to the truth their bickering was.

He was still praying for an answer.

Kevin came back with a CD in hand, closing the door and looking at him with that big perfect smile of his.

“I convinced my brother to mail this to me.” He said proudly, showing him the cover of his beloved treasure.

_Disney’s best hits volume 4._

Connor laughed fondly, of course it had to be Disney related. Kevin excitedly put on the CD and sat at the edge of Connor’s desk, singing passionately at the first song that played on the low quality CD player/recorder.

They were in there for almost two hours, singing and laughing and talking about their favorite movies, Connor almost forgot about where they were after a while. They played the CD twice and eventually ran out of songs to listen to.

“We have the Kids songbook CD collection.” Said Connor after going through the boxes again, smirking.

“I know you said it as a joke but there’s some fucking bops in that CD.” Kevin replied.

Connor laughed hysterically and played the CD, recognizing immediately the songs from his childhood.

Kevin knew all of them too, and they exchanged stories from their Sunday school days.

They were talking about their old teachers when _the song_ started.

Connor stopped talking, turning his head to the CD Player and smiling a little bit, he had mixed emotions about hearing this song.

“Gosh, I haven’t heard that one in a while.” Said Kevin, looking curiously at Connor’s expression.

“That was my favorite.” He said in a hushed tone, barely noticeable behind the volume of the song. “I sang it at my baptism.”

_I like to look for rainbows, whenever there is rain._

“You sang at your baptism?”

“Yeah, there weren’t a lot of people but it was one of my first performances, I guess.”

_And ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again._

“Mine was a fucking mess.” Apparently Kevin really liked swearing now.

“There were so many people, it was insane. Even my family from California came, we barely fit in the baptismal font room.”

They both laughed and then listened in silence, the familiar tune making Connor’s heart swell. It wasn’t the best time in his life, for sure. But he still missed it, he still missed his innocence and total faith to the church. He missed the times when he blindly believed that he would be somehow saved and cleaned.

“ _I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain_.” They both sang, smiling and feeling just a tiny bit ridiculous. “ _I want to be the best I can and live with God again_.”

“It feels more like a cultist song now, doesn’t it?” Kevin laughed.

Connor just made a sad chuckle.

“Yeah, I guess it does.” But he was still fond of it.

“It’s the gayest religious kid’s song I’ve ever heard”

Connor winced.

“Oh, I’m so sorry I just thought- I thought you’d already accepted it.”

“Yeah- yeah I did I’m just… I still don’t feel fine about it. I still feel… somewhat dirty.”

Kevin looked really torn now, he unplugged the CD player and sat on the chair in front of Connor.

“I don’t think it’s wrong, you know?” Kevin said after a while. “Even though they teached us that- my parents weren’t really homophobic? We had some family friends that were gay and they never said anything bad about them, they… actually were really close with them.” Kevin smiled a little bit. “And they always gave us the best Christmas presents.”

But Connor didn’t smile.

“I think you are an awesome person, Connor. And I don’t see why you liking men should be a problem. Even if you still want to stay in the church, for some reason. Like I said the first day, you can just be-“

“Don’t. Please just don’t.” Connor looked up. “It’s not a better option, living without love. Or living with someone that I know i wouldn’t truly love, that’s awful.”

Kevin seemed to regret what he had said now, as if he was just realizing what living Mormon gay and celibate meant.

“And a life without love? I’d rather die, Kevin.”

Kevin didn’t say anything, he couldn’t bring himself to. He looked quite devastated and a little bit confused, Connor didn’t really understand why.

“Thank you for today, I really enjoyed myself. I'm going to sleep.”

He went out the door and into his room, surprisingly calm. Admitting to who he was in front of another person was refreshing, uplifting, even.   
The circumstances weren’t the best and yet he felt somewhat free.

That was the first night since he had memory that he didn’t pray.

* * *

 

He awoke hours later, at an ungodly hour in the… night? Morning.

When he stumbled out of his room to get a glass of water, he encountered Kevin Price, with his temple undershirt and red pajama pants, drinking what seemed to be the third cup of coffee of the night.

“Eld- Kevin?” Kevin coughed, choking in surprise.

“Connor! Oh my fuck- I shouldn’t have brought it here, I’m so sorry.”

Connor laughed, he was still sleepy and he was usually bitchy at this early hours in the morning.

“It’s not like I’m offended by your caffeine addiction, Price.”

Kevin looked guiltily at his other two empty cardboard-cups of the warm liquid he was recently obsessed with.

“Maybe I’m overreacting, I just… get all hyper after this much coffee.”

“Is it usual for you to drink this much?” Connor asked him, sitting in the other high chair across Kevin.

“Not really, once I had like seven cups but I was under a lot of stress… I guess I tend to drink it when I’m nervous or feeling insecure.”

“You know that will eventually yellow your teeth, right?” Kevin looked horrified and Connor just chuckled.

“Why are you nervous, then?”

The brunette looked at him, his fearful expression unusual in the man’s face.

“Our conversation earlier… I wasn’t just talking about you, I was kinda… talking about me too.”

“Oh, Kevin Price turning a conversation into his own problems, what a surprise.”

Kevin winced.

“Oh god, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean-“

“Its fine, you’re right.”

“I didn’t meant to say that, I’m just still half asleep, but… what do you mean it was about you?”

Kevin swallowed nervously, his Adam’s apple moving up and down in the process. Connor was suddenly very awake.

“I always liked girls, growing up. I went into those terrible group dates with chaperones and dated a couple of Mormon girls, nothing serious but… I didn’t dislike them, you know?” Connor nodded, even more confused now. “But then I kind of… got a crush on a friend from school, he wasn’t in the church and I remember he was just… great.” He laughed, a little bit at himself. “He was wonderful, really funny and witty and… I don’t know, it was just a silly crush. It didn’t last long, but it happened and it made me realize that although I wasn’t gay I was… still attracted to boys. Bisexual, or something like that.”

To say that Connor was surprised was an understatement, he always saw Kevin as the poster, overachieving straight guy, he never even considered the possibility that he could be struggling with something similar as himself.

“Kevin-“

“But then I told my bishop. And he told me the same shit they keep saying, that I was confused and that it was okay, that I would just marry a girl and have kids and everything would be alright. And I believed it, it wasn’t a big deal right? I still liked girls, I always had that path, so it wasn’t really something that I thought about. Not until yesterday when you told me that… I never even considered that I was ignoring such a big part of myself. That I was turning off a part of me that could allow me love and happiness. I realized that in between everything that happened with the mission president and the general and just… all of this, that I didn’t realize I was falling for you, Connor.”

Silence, everything was quiet except for his stammering heart that seemed to be the only thing he could hear now. Kevin rubbed his neck, looking at his cup of coffee in an attempt to make everything a little less awkward.

“Geez, I’m the worst.” He laughed. “I managed to make everything about myself again… I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry.”

He put a foot down on the floor with the intention of leaving but Connor grabbed his wrist before he could.

“Don’t be.” He was holding onto Kevin’s wrist, making him stand closer. “Because I like you too, Kevin Price. You and your fucking giant ego.”

Kevin smiled.

“Cursing now, Connor? You’re a heathen.”

“Well… as someone once said, to heck with rules.”

And then Kevin was closer than ever, laughing so much that his eyes were squinting, forehead to forehead with Connor who was also laughing, allowing this newly-found sense of warmth and giddiness to take over him entirely.

They probably looked ridiculous, laughing and sort of embracing in the dark kitchen of the mission hut in Uganda, Kevin with his ridiculous red candy-cane patterned bottoms and Connor in just his temple garments and socks.

“Can I kiss you?” Kevin asked when they stopped laughing, still fighting the big smile on his face.

“We already cursed and you drank three cups of coffee, I think we can both engage in one more sin.” He said sarcastically, happy, warm, like himself. He had been erasing who he was for years and damn it, it felt so good to be genuine. It couldn’t be a sin.

And then Kevin kissed him, sloppy and warm and grinning. All teeth and lips and it was weird but it was wonderful and Connor didn’t want to stop.

Kevin broke away, slowly and looking drunk from kissing Connor.

“How did I miss out on this for nineteen years?”

“You can blame Joseph Smith for that.”

And then they were both laughing again, not even caring that the other Elders were asleep in their rooms.

“Fuck you, Joe! I like boys!”

Connor buried his head into Kevin’s chest, laughing and shaking at the same time. This was too much- too good, too happy. 

And then they kissed again, slower this time, not desperate like the first time. Connor raised his hand to Kevin’s cheek, sinking into the kiss and letting his instinct take over him. Noticing Kevin’s fingers in his hair and how he could feel Kevin’s heartbeat through his chest, noticing only Kevin and nothing else.

If everything they taught him about god was true, this wasn’t a sin. This was god’s most beautiful and most important creation: Love.

There was no way something like this could be wrong, and when Kevin deepened the kiss sloppily, he was certain of that.

* * *

 

They ended up in the couch, just tangled in each other and staring at the empty living room talking about anything that crossed their minds.

“You know what’s weird though? I believe in god, I really do. I just don’t believe in all the bullshit they say about him. Sending his son to die and allowing all of the horrible shit in the world to happen just to ‘test us’. I don’t think it works that way.”

Connor nodded.

“Me too. I think that everyone has a different take on it, and that’s okay.” Kevin nuzzled his nose into Connors head, sighing in comfort.

“He isn’t mad about this. He wanted it to happen.” Kevin muttered sleepily, getting quickly used to the smell of Connors hair. 

“Are you implying that god wanted us together?” Connor asked, grinning.

“Well, it does say in The Book of Arnold chapter eleven that God paired Joseph Smith and Brigham Young together to marry and lead the rest of the Mormons to paradise.”

Connor giggled.

“Thank god for Arnold.”

“Thank god for Arnold indeed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEY KISSED YAAAAY
> 
> Liked it? didn't like it? Tell me in the comments!
> 
> ALSO I FINALLY GOT TO WRITE NABULUNGI AND ARNOLD AHHH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH
> 
> Anyway, i can't belive i literally implied that Joseph Smith and Brigham Young were lovers and i had a character say fuck you to Joseph Smith guess who is going to burn in hell.
> 
> Also, Kevin drinking coffee and cursing is the best thing to write about ever. As an ex-mormon addicted to caffeine and saying the word "Fuck" i can relate. 
> 
> Next chapter and we're done, pals! I can't believe i finally made something multi-chaptered and actually finished it, i'm a lil bit proud of myself :,)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments, means a lot! If there's something you want to see in the last chapter/some other fic request/comment/whatever my asks are always open at http://fangirlftshipper.tumblr.com/
> 
> <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor deals with thinking about his future and the Elders are surprised that Connor and Kevin are dating... for the wrong reasons.

Dating Kevin Price was a mixture of panic and warmness.

The way he would smile from the other end of the table when everyone else was distracted caused him to feel warm, the way he would intentionally make suggestive comments made him mostly panic (more so if this was in front of others, although the elders never seemed to catch the true meaning behind his words.)

The way Kevin laced their fingers late at night when everyone was sleeping caused him both panic and warmness, the later because of how right and intimate it felt to take someone’s hand and the first because of how attached he was getting to this. To the big, sarcastic smiles Kevin would make or the sound of his voice when he whispered random things at the first hours of the morning. To the thrilling sensation of being kissed and held and _wanted_. To the familiarity of certain things and the discoveries that came with this new… agreement they both had formed.

It was warm, and it was scary, and it made him panic and worry and doubt and question, but it was the only thing that got him grounded when everything else was changing from one day to another. Kevin was infuriating and sometimes a dick, for lack of a better word. But he was still the one that took his hand after he read his parent’s letter, he was still the one that calmed him down and made him tea and said terrible, awful, inappropriate jokes just to get his mind out of the dark hole that was depression.

So Connor was learning how to get used to everything. To the panic, the fear, the warmness and the craziness of it all. He was accepting the fact that Uganda was not going to last that much more time, that he was going back to Utah not being a good Mormon missionary like he had planned since the moment he was baptized.

And to be honest, he was kind of okay with that. But he still had plenty of things to figure out.

 

“What are we going to do when we get back?” He said one early morning, while Kevin washed the dishes and chattered about some crappy TV show he used to be obsessed with.

“You mean…”

“Back in Salt Lake. What are your plans?”

The sound of water stopped and Connor could picture Kevin drying his hands with an uncomfortable expression, he couldn’t know for sure since he was too busy looking at a random spot on the kitchen.

“Well… I had planned to go back, get into BYU or even Utah State, meet a nice girl, have way too many kids even though I can’t really stand them, move to Florida and live happily ever after but obviously that’s not going to happen, so I don’t really know.”

Connor sighed, he had no idea either.

“I just don’t want to think about it that much, you know? I know my parents will be mad for a little while but they’re not that pissed so I still have that. But on the other end I don’t want to deal with them or with the whole fucking congregation of the church when I get back. What about you?”

Connor sighed, turning around to face Kevin.

“I don’t know. My parents aren’t mad they’re just… disappointed I guess. I don’t want to deal with that either but I don’t have another place to go. Even if I convince them to give me my college money, I didn’t apply for any schools and the money wouldn’t last me more than a couple of months anyway… it sounds crazy but I wish I could just move somewhere else and leave all of this behind, you know?”

“I don’t think that’s crazy at all.” Kevin took his hand, as he tended to do when they had this types of conversations. “Can I give you some advice?”

Connor slowly broke into a smile, already feeling some terrible, over the top inspirational speech coming his way.

“You need to find your planet Orlando.”

“My what?”

“Your planet Orlando, the place you long to be in more than anything.”

And with that simple yet confusing statement, Kevin turned around and started washing the dishes once again.

* * *

 

Connor couldn’t stop thinking about it now. Planet Orlando, it sounded truly stupid, like the title of some poorly-made science fiction movie. But it made sense.

What was his planet Orlando? Certainly not Utah, California was nice but way too hot, Ohio scared him and his short trip to Europe had been fun but he wouldn’t really want to live there.

His brain screamed the obvious answer, it was just too cliché wasn’t it? Too ambitious, too hard.

But he really did love New York.

He had only been there once, for a few weeks with his family when he was still an only child and vacations were easier.

He remembered being truly amazed and freaked out about the whole thing, there was too much noise, cars, people, lights. Everything was too much and for some reason it was never enough. He fell in love with Brooklyn and never wanted to set foot on the subway ever again but most importantly, he fell in love with Broadway.

It was impossible not to. He loved the dancing, and the singing and the acting and the emotions and the lights and everything. He had never felt more complete than when sat in a theatre, colored lights reflecting on his face and music blasting into his ears while he smiled the biggest smile he could possibly make.

His father seemed miserable and his mother was focusing on the wrong things but he couldn’t stop thinking about it, hearing the music, feeling the chills over and over again.

“I’m so screwed.” He whispered, knowing already what his “Planet Orlando” was.

Dancing, he always loved dancing. Dancing while belting out some tune that his sisters were sick of hearing and ending up sweating, breathless and with his muscles aching.

It just seemed right when he thought about it, having a tiring, underpaid job to pay for college, having classes and dance rehearsals, using the subway every damn day and walking more than ever, eating ramen and drinking red-bull like it was water, auditioning, barely seeing any shows because he’s broke, having a tiny apartment and coming home to a cat and Kevin and-

He was fantasizing way too fast. It was just a crazy idea.

But it motivated him. Maybe Kevin’s advice wasn’t that bad.

* * *

 

“I think I found it.”

Kevin stopped furiously glancing at the chess piece standing in front of them and looked at him, glad that he could stop thinking strategy for a moment.

The other elders were either watching “ _Legally Blonde_ ” for the fifth time or playing UNO, which was how game night usually went around this days.

“My planet Orlando.”

Kevin moved the chess set aside and moved closer, smiling excitedly.

“So, what is it?”

Connor sighed, knowing it was just a little dream at the top of his head.

“New York.”

Kevin’s smiled softened.

“That makes a lot of sense.”

“Does it?” Kevin nodded, playing with Connor’s fingers.

“I can see you breaking out into song in the middle of Time’s square.”

Connor laughed, bumping his head lightly in Kevin’s chest and forgetting that everyone else was right in front of them.

“It’s crazy but… it’s something. It’s a plan.”

“It’s perfect.”

They stayed like that for a second, smiling stupidly at each other with joined hands and soft eyes. Until Arnold started jokingly making kissing noises and everyone was suddenly watching them.

Right, that was another thing he had to do before his time in Uganda was over.

“Kevin and Connor sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes-“ Kevin put a marshmallow on Arnold’s mouth, that was a subtle way of telling him to shut up.

All the other elders were laughing softly, used to Arnold’s shenanigans.

“Uh, guys. Now that I have your attention.” Kevin seemed surprised, nodding his head for him to continue.

They had discussed telling the others, since they were all kind of- well, since they were now a family.

“I know you’ve all at least suspected that I might… that I might be gay. I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it but since you’ve all confided in me and have been nothing but honest, I think its right that I tell you all that... Kevin and I are dating.”

The sound of UNO cards hitting the table followed by complete silence was unnerving.

“Kevin and you are what?!” Elder Michaels spat, as if it was the last thing he expected to hear. Oh no.

Maybe he had misread everyones attitude, maybe they weren’t okay with this and _what if they start hating me-_

“But I thought you and pop-tarts were dating?” Elder Schrader said, eyebrows knitted.

“What? No! Elder Thomas is dating Elder Church!”

“We are _not_ dating!” Pop-tarts screamed, blushing furiously. “Yet.”

“ _Yet_?” Church turned to Elder Thomas, with a hopeful expression.

And that started a heated discussion in between the living room, the only silent ones were Connor, Kevin and Elder Zelder, who seemed uncomfortable and got up to walk to his room.

“What the fuck is going on?” Kevin whispered.

“I have no idea.”

He realized then and there that he still had a lot of unfinished business in Uganda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry it took so long for an update, i had a little bit of writers block but i'm back. I updated the story so it wouldn't say 7/7 chapters since my brain decided to come up with a lot more stuff that i couldn't squeeze into one chapter so there will be at least a couple more chapters and maybe an epilogue. 
> 
> Now onto the chapter, i wanted to show a little bit about Connor's dreams and hopes for the future as well as his fears. 
> 
> Also 85% of the elders are queer and no one can convince me otherwise.  
> Elder Zelder was the one who got uncomfortable cause in my head his family was really homophobic, so he isn't very accepting at the moment but maybe he'll come around because he does love Connor and Kevin and the rest of his weird mormon family. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting, it's what keeps me sane and motivated. Happy new year and i'll read you guys later!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to leave Africa and the elders are having a hard time saying good-bye. Everyone needs some advice from Connor, and Arnold makes an important decision.

They had an official deadline to go back home.

It had been sent suddenly, surprising everyone that currently resided at the mission hut. Of course, it was only a matter of time until the church needed the space again, but that little hut had become a home for them in the past months, they were the ones who did the shopping and the fixing and the taking-care-of-everything-around-here, so to know that they soon had to say goodbye to that familiar spot was disappointing.

Some of them were also kind of relieved, Africa was not an easy place to live in and they missed their families (and air conditioning) but overall, they were going to miss each other more than anything.

So Arnold was currently freaking out, embracing Nabulungi as if this was the last time they were ever going to see each other.

“Five weeks!” He cried. “I won’t go back without Naba, no way. I’m staying.”

“There’s no way papa is letting you live in my house, babu. Forget it.”

Arnold screamed harder and Kevin cringed, petting his hair in an attempt to calm him down.

“Have you considered moving to the U.S?” Kevin suggested, speaking at Nabulungi since Arnold just wasn’t listening at this point.

“Is that something I could do?” She asked, not very convinced but holding onto Arnold a little stronger, Connor thought that was sweet, he could tell how much both Arnold and Nabulungi meant to each other, you had to be blind not to see it.

“I mean, you’ll need a visa and a few other documents but… I’m sure the church would help you, if they’re not as mad as the last time we spoke to the zone leader, that is.”

Nabulungi sighed, nodding her head.

“I’ll help in whatever way I can.” Said Connor, standing up on his seat. “I’ll call the zone leader myself if needed, but we’ll get Naba to Utah, one way or another.”

Kevin smiled at him, not his usual, missionary training center smile or his sarcastic smirk, he smiled fondly, eyes bright with something that Connor hadn’t figured out yet.

“Thank you, Connor.”

Sighed Naba, finally getting Arnold to let go of her and kissing him on the cheek before saying goodbye for the day, explaining that she had to go and talk to Mafala before making any kind of decision.

Arnold went and sat next to Kevin, sniffing.

“You can always come back to see her, y’know? I certainly will.”

“Thanks best friend.”

Connor smiled and walked into his office, thinking about something convincing and emotional that the zone leader would fall for, he knew Elder Anderson was a big softie, so maybe it wouldn’t be too hard to get him to help.

* * *

 

That first week was kind of chaotic, everyone seemed to be in a bad mood, worrying over everything and being more sensitive than ever. Connor hadn’t been asked to give advice since the mission president fiasco but suddenly everyone was treating him like a psychiatrist of some sort.

First came Pop-tarts, eating the source of his name out of the box without heating them up and rambling about all of the “unfinished business” he still had with James Church and how worried he was to come back home after only one year as a missionary.

“I also worry about us, Con. You’re my best friend and now that we’ll be living in different cities I’m worried that we’ll stop talking…”

Connors heart twitched, sad at this realization but happy to realize how close of a friendship he actually had now, he had longed for this kind of relationship since Maggie and now he had it, it had developed so quickly and naturally that sometimes he forgot how much he relayed on Chris.

“Oh, don’t be silly.” He said, standing up to get closer to his friend and snatch away the pop-tarts on his hands.

“You live in Nevada, that’s not so far away from Utah! Plus I’ll write you, you know how much I enjoy writing letters.”

Chris leant in to hug him. “Thank you.” Connor smiled. “But what the heck do I do about James?”

* * *

 

After that came Elder Zelder, looking very serious and sort of sad.

He had been ignoring him and Kevin since everyone discovered they were dating, so Connor was a little nervous about what was coming.

“Normon, how can I help you?” He said opening the door further, curiously looking at the boy and noticing the tension on his shoulders.

“Connor I- I just…” And suddenly, Normon Zelder was hugging him. Apparently everyone today was in a touchy-feely mood. “I’m so sorry for being so weird this last week. I’m just not used to…” He hesitated.

“Gay people?” Zelder cringed.

“Yeah, my family wasn’t all kindness and tolerance and I’m not better than them, I should be. So I guess I just wanted to say thank you, you really helped me out since day one and I’m glad you and Kevin are… happy. You’re a good dude, you deserve it.”

“Well, I really appreciate that Elder. But you are better, you’re trying and that’s what matters.”

Normon Zelder smiled the tiniest of smiles and gave him an awkward pat on the back before leaving.

* * *

 

The third person to enter his office that day was, surprisingly, Kevin Price.

He looked sadder than when they got the deadline letter, shoulder’s slumped and head a little low, Kevin usually carried himself tall and proud so it was noticeable that something was wrong.

“Kev, you okay?”

“Arnold is staying.”

Kevin just stood there, biting his cheeks and looking sadly at Connor.

“What?”

“He said he’s the prophet so he can’t abandon Uganda, said he’d obviously visit me often and expected me to do the same.”

He smiled a little bit at that, a few months ago he would’ve laughed at the possibility of Arnold becoming a church leader and there he was.

“Naba loves her village too much to leave and well, Arnold loves her as much.”

“I’m happy for them. Though I must admit even I will miss Arnold more than I expected to.”

Kevin walked into Connor’s arms and let himself be hugged, burying his face in the gingers neck and breathing in his stupid raspberry body wash.

“You’ll stay with me, right?” He said after a few seconds. “We won’t stop seeing each other when we get back?”

“No, no, of course not. You’ll have to try harder to get rid of me.”

Kevin kissed his cheek and looked at him for a second, trying to memorize this version of him, still clad in missionary attire and on his office.

“I’ll go get dinner started.”

Connor stayed in the same spot, just watching this little room and his ugly-painted walls. He, oddly, felt nothing. Maybe his instincts of turning it off were taking over or maybe he still wasn’t hit with reality, but whatever it was, it was helping him to stay focused on making sure he left everything as it should be, not only the hut but everything else too.

* * *

 

They spent their last week with the people they had gotten to meet on their time in Uganda.

Mafala threw them a party in the village, with music and dancing and everything that a party should have, it felt weird to see everyone celebrating the “pasty white boys” but ever since The book of Arnold they were all closer, maybe that was what being part of a cult felt like.

“This is so bizarre.” He said to Kevin, who was lying next to him on the floor watching everyone dance and hearing all of the kids laughing and playing on the now finished park.

He was glad that the elders had at least helped in making this village a little bit safer, the community was incredibly bright and Connor couldn’t help but wonder how many more things could have been achieved if the mission president wasn’t only focusing on baptisms and religion. The church had so many ways to help here… and they weren’t doing anything but kick them out.

Still, everyone seemed happy. And he was too, smiling as Kevin subtly took his hand. Progress had been made.

* * *

 

After a particularly bad bus ride, it was finally time to say goodbye. The airport was small and not too crowded, but Connor still felt kind of lost and small. Reality had kicked in and everything was weighing up on him.

“Goodbye Elders! Don’t forget to email us!” He said after hugging Zelder, Davis and Schrader who had the first flight and watching them disappear in the terminal.

He heard Noah Neely complaining about being the only one who had to travel back alone, hugging everyone repeatedly and constantly making sure they got his phone number correctly.

“Keep it together McKinley.” He whispered to himself, trying not to bawl his eyes out in the middle of the airport.

Kevin made it easier with his snarky comments and _“Oh wow I really love your pink flower pattern suitcase Connor, welcome to fifth grade.”_   But it was getting harder with every elder that left.  
Especially when it was Chris’s turn.

“I already told you everything in the letter I left you, read it when you get home okay?” Connor nodded, holding on tightly to his best friend and hoping they weren’t attracting too much attention.

“Have a safe flight, alright tarts?”

Chris smiled and turned to Kevin, who shook his hand and told him a couple of things that Connor didn’t hear since he was too busy rubbing James’s back soothingly, who looked nervous, sad and bashful at the same time.

Kevin smirked when the two boys hugged tightly, poking Connor’s side and whispering “I bet you five dollars one of them says something disgustingly cheesy and blush like schoolgirls.”

After they both recovered from the hug, Chris took a deep breath.

“Chris i-“

“You know, James." He interrupted "If we weren’t in the middle of a crappy African airport I would kiss you, but I’m sure we can get together soon. Call me.”

Everyone, including Kevin, watched with their mouths open as Pop-Tarts (the usually quiet dork who talked non-stop about technology) walked away confidentially.

“Holy fuck.” Kevin was the first to speak, followed by James.

“That was-“

“Incredibly smooth.” Finished Connor. He was definitely going to text James when he got back home.

* * *

 

An hour later, Kevin, Michaels and Connor (The Utah boys, as Michaels liked to refer to them much to Kevin’s dismay) were finally on the air.

Michaels was snoring, Kevin had his head on Connor’s shoulder, and Connor was tapping his leg anxiously.

“You need to stop that, I need my beauty sleep.”

“Sorry… I’m just nervous.”

“About your family?” Connor nodded.

“I just don’t want to see their faces when I tell them I have no intention of coming back to church or that I don’t want to go to BYU, or that I’m gay.”

“You’re going to tell them?” Kevin asked, surprised.

“Yes. I don’t want to be on the same place I was before Uganda.” Kevin sighed, and they both silently watched through the window for a few seconds.

“Hey, Con. Don’t stress about it too much, alright? I’m sure everything will be fine and if not… we’ll go somewhere together. I promise.”

He squeezed Kevin’s hand, a silent thank you for reassuring him.

“And um- I also have to do this, since I won’t be able to when we get there.”

Kevin kissed him, taking advantage of all the sleeping people around them for privacy. It was over way too soon, but it calmed Connor down.

“Everything will be alright.”

Connor believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!   
> This was a little bit of a transition chapter, so i'm sorry if it was a little boring. Also, i had planned to keep Pop-tarts and Church a little bit in the background but i just couldn't resist so yeah. 
> 
> Some of the names of the elders are from the tumblr incorrect-bom, here's the list in case you're interested.
> 
> https://incorrect-bom.tumblr.com/post/168868557687/full-names-of-elders-kevin-price-arnold-cunningham
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Feedback is what keeps me going and is much appreciated. <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor plans on coming out so his family and explain everything calmly.
> 
> In the end, it doesn't go as planned.

Utah didn’t seem safe anymore.

The first few months Connor had spent in Uganda he had longed to come back home, to his comfortable bed and his air conditioner and his laptop, to his family and the church and everything that he was used to. Now everything seemed so un-important and strange, his parents complaining about a broken microwave and his little sisters crying over Christmas presents was enough to put him in a bad mood.

But to be fair he had been in a bad mood since the first day he got back, his father received him with a disapproving glare and his mother hugged him awkwardly, whispering “We’ll talk when we get home.” And offering him a pitying, disappointed smile that he hated more than anything.

His sisters, though, hugged him for what seemed like hours. They were probably the only thing that had stopped him from completely breaking in front of his parents the moment he saw them at the airport.

When he arrived home the only thing he wanted was to sleep, but his parents had already prepared a complete speech full of _“we thought you knew better”_ and _“you can still go to college and apologize to the church”_ and a lot of other bullshit (as Kevin would have called it, if he were there).

His father was going on and on about something one of the apostles had said at the last conference when Connor finally took one last sigh before speaking.

“Look, dad, mom, I love you and I’m deeply sorry that I disappointed you. I knew you had expectations and that you payed for my mission, I appreciate that and I don’t want you guys to think that I’m ungrateful but Africa taught me so much… and made me realize a lot of stuff not only about myself but about everything, I can assure you I didn’t fail, I know I helped with a lot of stuff, me and the other elders, we helped making things a little bit safer, and we taught children and their families how to read, how to write, we taught them about faith. Isn’t that what the gospel is all about?”

“Well, yes, Connor I understand but-“

“I’m not finished.” He said, and his parents went quiet. He never raised his voice, he never stuck up for himself, he used to be shy and apologetic and quite honestly, he had always been scared, but this was over today. “They helped us too. And we- the elders, we became a family. I made the greatest friend’s I’ll ever have, dad. Isn’t that what you wanted? For me to be more social?”

His father sighed.

“You lied, you baptized those people in the name of heavenly father under false pretenses, Connor, and you expect me to be happy for you?”

“Yes, actually. I expect you to be happy for me. I expect you to realize that I’m finally proud of something that I did and that I’m finally a little bit less miserable. But of course you don’t realize because you love to pretend that everything is fine, don’t you? That we’re perfect?”

“Con, _please_.”

“No, mom. I’m tired of this. We are not perfect, there is no such thing as perfection. And you know what? Even if there was we would be far from it, there are people back there in Uganda that are dying every single day and all you care about is about our freaking status in the church, and about what everyone else will think.”

“I’ve had enough of this, Connor. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

“No, I told you I wasn’t fucking finished!” By this point, he was as shocked as his parents were. “I’m done with the church, I’m done with pretending that I’m happy, I’m done with hating myself so you guys can be content with our image. And you know what? I’m gay, and I’m done pretending that I’m not. I’m gay and I know that you both knew since I was in fucking middle school but pretended not to notice.”

His mother seemed ashamed, Connor couldn’t tell if she was ashamed for what he had just admitted or if she was ashamed for ignoring Connor’s mental state for such a long time.

“Maybe you guys think I failed because I didn’t really baptize people or because the mission president kicked us out, but guys, I’ve never felt more like myself than now, and that can’t be a failure. I know it isn’t.”

He wanted to keep talking, he wanted to tell them about those dark nights he spent in the floor of his bathroom thinking about killing himself, he wanted to tell them about that one night in Uganda in which he had prayed until his knees gave out, he wanted to tell them about how many times he had try to tell them how he felt but couldn’t find the right words. Couldn’t find a way to get help.

They stayed in silence for a while, Connor was crying, although not sobbing like his mother, his father was staring into a corner, petting the family’s golden retriever trying to find some relief for his anxiety.

“Thank you for being honest.” His father said, in that icy, boss-like voice that Connor hated as a child. His father really wasn’t a cold man, and Connor knew he loved him, he just didn’t know how to. “I’m going to bed.”

His father went up the stairs and Connor was almost certain that he wanted to be alone so he could cry, maybe because of disappointment, maybe because of shame, maybe because he realized he had failed his only son.

Connor had only seen him cry once, and his father’s pride was probably still hurt by that. It was one of those things that still confused him, _why was emotion a thing to be ashamed of?_

His mother wiped her eyes and got up of her seat to embrace him.

He felt like a little boy all over again, waiting for his mom to come tuck him in and ask if he had done his prayers so he could say yes and see her proud eyes. Now her eyes were filled with sadness, and Connor’s heart ripped a little bit, like it always did when he saw his mother cry.

“I’m so sorry for failing you, Connor.” He buried his face on her shoulder, wanting to tell her that she hadn’t, that it was okay and that he forgave her.

But he couldn’t, because it wasn’t true. Maybe it wasn’t her fault but Connor still hadn’t forgotten how desperately he wished that she would notice just how wrecked he was, just how deeply he hated himself for years.

“I love you, mom.” He said, because that was true. He still wasn’t ready to forgive her, but he understood. And they were both patient.

“I love you too, my baby.”

That night when he went to sleep, exhausted both physically and emotionally, his mind felt more at peace.

He turned on his old cellphone and smiled when he noticed that Kevin had kept his promise of texting him.

_“I’m home safe, sadly. I had the hope that we would get run over by dinosaurs on the way home so I could avoid my parents.”_ Kevin’s text read.

_“I’m home safe too.”_ He sent. _“Remember how I had a strategy planned to come out to my parents and explain everything calmly?”_

_“Yes, how did that go?”_ Kevin responded almost immediately, which was good, since he was already falling asleep.

_“I freaked out and yelled at my dad, cursed, came out, blamed my parents of knowing and ignoring it and made my dad possibly cry.”_

_“Holy shit, Connor.”  
“I’m so fucking proud of you right now.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been the worst at updating and this is such a short chapter but school has been a bitch! hopefully you'll like it and i'll try my best to update quickly next time. Thank you so much for reading, comments are appreciated <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor unlocks Kevin's tragic backstory.

Connor expected hell to break loose in the next few days, and luckily, it didn’t.

It was uncomfortable and he wanted to bang his head against the wall, but it wasn’t as bad as he had pictured.

“So uhh… have you seen any of your school friends since you came back?”

“I haven’t been out of the house, dad.”

“Right.”

And then his father sipped his tea, and Connor got back to staring at the backyard from the dining room’s window.

Those were pretty much the only words they had spoken in about four days.

“What are you doing today?” He asked, hoping to finally get over the awkwardness of talking to his father.

“I’m going to a church meeting, they’re holding it in that big church next to that park you liked as a kid, remember?”

“Oh yeah, I used to sit by the swings while you were on meetings.”

He had some good memories there, since it wasn’t the church where he had grown up hating himself. Plus, kids used to be really nice in that neighborhood.

“You could come if you want.”

That seemed like a terrible idea, but since he didn’t know anybody from that church and he surely wouldn’t be getting any questions, getting out of the house for a couple of hours and eating some ice-cream from the creamery at the corner didn’t sound so bad.

“Yeah, yeah that sound okay.”

“Alright then, we leave at five.”

* * *

So now he was there, finishing off a strawberry ice-cream cone and walking through the silent halls of the church.

It was similar to every other church he had visited since he was a kid, but it had definitely changed since the last time he saw it years ago.

Everyone was in different classes, he could hear some piano music coming from the service room, kids laughing and the sound of women talking to each other accompanied by the faint smell of brownies coming from the kitchen.

It felt uncomfortably familiar.

He finally spotted a seemingly empty room and sighed, the only thing he felt like doing right now was sit down in a quiet space and text Pop-Tarts.

He turned on the light only to be surprised by a guy sitting on the back of the room.

“Oh, I’m so sorry I thought everyone was already in the meeting— Kevin?”

Kevin Price stood there, wide-eyed, dressed in everyday clothing, with an incredulous smile growing on his face.

“Well, this day keeps getting weirder.” He said, before taking a few steps and pulling Connor into an embrace.

“What— what are you doing here?”

“I should ask you the same question, this is the church I grew up in.”

“Wait, really?”

“Absolutely, don’t you just love the smell of toxic masculinity and years of internalized homophobia on this place?”

Connor laughed, burying his face on the crook of Kevin’s neck, relieved.

“Geez, I missed you.”

Kevin ruffled his hair fondly, pulling away from the embrace so he could see his face.

“You haven’t texted me lately, how are things?”

“Uncomfortable, I only followed my dad here in attempts to make things less awkward between us. And you? I thought you said you weren’t stepping into a church again.”

“Well, my little brother had piano practice and my mother thought it would be a great idea to let me bring him.”

“Right.”

“But I’m never going to service again, I hope you know that.”

“I wouldn’t expect less from you.”

They laughed silently, uncomfortably looking at the floor.

“Come on, there’s a park right around the corner.” Kevin suggested.

* * *

They sat at the swings, Connor telling Kevin about Pop-Tarts recent whereabouts and Kevin laughing at his friend’s awkwardness.

“How is Arnold doing?”

Kevin smiled.

“Good, he and Naba have been making some changes in the village, and everyone is still as fond of their leader as before.” He chuckled. “Gotswana still has maggots in his scrotum, if you were wondering.”

Connor winced.

“And… Mafala?”

“Getting worse, but still optimistic about life.”

“Good, I guess that’s what matters.”

They stayed in silence for a while, watching as the night slowly took over. Connor wanted to tell Kevin about that constant pain he felt in his heart, the one that wasn’t really physical but emotional, the one that reminded him of Uganda and screamed at him to start doing something with his life.

“Con, are you… is everything okay in your house?” Kevin asked, and his voice sounded softer, free of any sarcasm that was always lingering in his words.

“Actually, it is. It’s… awkward, but after years of thinking my parents would kick me out if I told them that I was gay I can definitely take awkward. I didn’t expect them to respect it as much as they do.” Kevin stayed silent, and Connor kept looking at the moon. “The other day I opened my mom’s computer and found an article she was reading about how to be a good LGBTQ ally.” He chuckled, turning his head to see a sad-looking Kevin.

“Kev?”

“My dad actually stopped talking to me.”

His blood ran cold.

All this time he was so worried about how his parents were reacting to even think about asking Kevin about his own experience.

“I mean… I rubbed it all over his face, I told him to fuck his religion but I guess I just didn’t expect him to say the things he did.” He looked away, uncomfortable at the thought of showing vulnerability. “I wanted to seem superior for some reason, I wanted my parents to know that their precious boy was proudly queer but… it backfired. My dad actually told me that he was glad I wouldn’t be with them in the afterlife since I wasn’t getting into heaven anymore.” He chuckled drily, rubbing his eyes in attempts to dry the few tears that had escaped. “My mother screamed at him, which is weird because in my nineteen years I’ve never seen my mom arguing with him. She told me he was just mad and he didn’t mean it but I could tell he did. He was _so fucking mad at me_ , Con. Like I ruined my family just for liking guys.”

Connor reached out and took Kevin’s hand.

He listened to the sound of the cars passing by, thinking about all of those nights in Uganda he had spent day-dreaming about Kevin. Day-dreaming about the possibility of being happy together.

“Let’s get out of here.” 

“Where do you want to go?” Kevin asked, clearly thinking it wasn’t genuine.

“I don’t know, Orlando, California… Iowa if you want, just as long as you are there.”

Kevin looked at him like he was the single most precious thing on earth.

“Wow, if you would run away to Iowa for me then you have it bad, McKinley.”

“Maybe I do.”

“You are so infatuated with me aren’t you?”

“Big ego and all.”

“Even with the tragic backstory?”

“Even with the tragic backstory.”

Kevin squeezed his hand and smiled, a silent promise of devotion.

Maybe it was the lighting, or the hormones, but Connor was pretty sure he was in love with Kevin Price.

Maybe it was the vulnerability, or the feeling of a hand against his, but Kevin was pretty sure he was in love with Connor McKinley.

"How does New York sound?" Kevin asked, and Connor could tell he meant it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i suck, but in my defense school is stressful as fuck and depression is currently eating me alive. 
> 
> Thank you to that lovely person who commented and gave me the inspiration i needed to update.
> 
> The end is coming up and i'm gonna be honest: it's gonna be pretty cheesy. I'm not in the mood for angst and heartbreak right now.
> 
> Thank you so much for still reading this weird little fic, and for all of your feedback which is the only thing that keeps me writing.

**Author's Note:**

> I just really really really love Connor McKinley okay (And i totally based this Connor on Stephen Ashfield's portrayal of him because it's the one i saw and he's just perfect)
> 
> Feedback is appreciated! Come say hi on tumblr/request a fic.
> 
> http://fangirlftshipper.tumblr.com/


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